To Battle Is The Only Way We Feel Alive
by PhaiFan
Summary: Alexander and Hephaestion deal with the aftermath of the march through the Gedrosian desert. A bit of angst, a bit of romance, and a bit of humor, too. Most chapters rate no more than T, but beware an M thrown in there as well
1. Chapter 1

**Alexander and Hephaestion deal with the fallout from their march through the Gedrosian desert. **

**I had to pick two genres, but actually needed three. There is angst, romance, and humor. Of course humor! It is hard for me to write a story without humor. **

**I realize there are a few historical inaccuracies. I know Nearchus did not meet up with Alexander until shortly after the little "magical mystery Dionysus cruise" through Carmania, but I needed him to be there sooner…so in my story, he is.**

**Based on the movie Alexander. I do not own the movie, the characters or the actors. Too bad really. I'd love to spend some quality time with Alexander and Hephaestion (or Jared and Colin…I'm flexible!)**

**Rating: Mostly K+ or T, but a little M thrown in for good measure.**

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><p>They had survived. Well, some of them at least. The Gedrosian desert had almost been the grave to all of them. Reaching Carmania had been a gift of the gods. Here, at least, they could rest.<p>

Hephaestion sat in his tent, paperwork strewn all about him as he tried to reorganize the chaos that was Alexander's army at present. He felt as if he was starting from scratch and, truth be told, he really was. There wasn't that much left to organize.

He sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. So many of them had died. So much death, so much despair. It was almost too much to take. He stretched his sore back and sighed loudly. He had much to do, but somehow his heart just wasn't in it. He did not have to have everything done just yet, but he was tired of the constant partying that had been their sole activity for the last few days.

Oh sure, the first couple of days he was as drunk as the rest of them. Two days…maybe three…it was all a blur at this point. Some of it he could remember, some of it was not so clear. Probably just as well. He had this nagging memory of someone daring him to kiss Nearchus…and he had done it. Or did he just dream that? He honestly was not sure. He had decided he needed to stop before he did something really stupid. Most of the others had been drunk constantly for days. Personally, he knew his stomach would only take so much of that so he had wisely retreated to the quiet solitude of his tent.

Truthfully, he really felt like just being alone. His head was still spinning with the events of the last few weeks and he needed time to work things out in his mind. Even the drinking could not make him forget.

So, here he was, trying to update their inventory, take a roll of the army they had left, what weapons and materials they had at their disposal, and who was left out of the men, women and children that had been with the baggage train. Sadly, it hadn't taken that long. Between lack of water, heat stroke, exhaustion, disease, and that flash flood, they had lost most of what they had started with.

He took a long drink of water. Water…he'd never been so happy to see fresh water in his life as he had a few days ago. And food. He picked up a plump date and popped it into his mouth. Never had he appreciated how truly wonderful they tasted until this. He appreciated everything at the moment.

He was just glad to be alive.

The flap to his tent was flung open, and Alexander stepped quickly inside, closing the flap behind him. He turned and looked at Hephaestion, his expression unreadable. Without speaking, he walked over to Hephaestion's bed and flopped down onto his back, grabbing Hephaestion's pillow and covered his face with it.

Hephaestion chuckled. "Is there something I can help you with, Alexander?"

Alexander mumbled beneath the pillow. "I am not here. You have not seen me."

Hephaestion looked amused. "Oh, really? What is wrong, Alexander?"

Alexander flung the pillow to the side and sat up. "I am invisible. Pretend I am not here."

"Alexander, you are making less sense than normal. What is the problem?"

Alexander frowned. "It is Bagoas. He is driving me crazy."

"What is he doing?" Hephaestion asked.

Alexander looked frustrated. "He won't let me do anything for myself. Since we arrived here he has been hovering over me like a nursemaid." He laughed dryly. "And I used to think Lanike was overprotective! Ha! She had nothing on Bagoas."

Hephaestion laughed. "Oh, Alexander…the boy loves you. He is just trying to care for you. As I well know, that is not an easy task. You can be…difficult."

Alexander gave him a dirty look. "Perhaps. But I am perfectly capable of dressing myself, feeding myself, and bathing myself. I cannot even relieve myself without him wanting to help me somehow. For the love of the gods, Hephaestion, he is smothering me!"

Hephaestion nodded. "And that is why you are in my tent claiming to be 'invisible'?"

"Yes! I do not wish him to know where I am!"

Hephaestion sat back in his chair and laughed loudly. "Let me get this straight! The Great Alexander, King of Asia, Commander of the mightiest army in the world, Son of Zeus…is cowering in my tent, hiding in my pillows, pretending to be invisible, all so he can hide from a teenage eunuch?"

Alexander glared at him. "It isn't funny, Hephaestion."

Hephaestion was still laughing. "Oh, but it is Alexander. Our brave leader…hiding from a harmless boy! Whatever would your men think?"

"They would think nothing of it, because you are not going to say a word about it. If you do, I may have to bring up that little performance you gave the other night."

Hephaestion felt himself go pale. "Did I really kiss Nearchus?"

Alexander snickered. "Oh yes, Phai. You did. And then you sat in Perdiccas' lap and bit his ear. You don't remember any of that, do you?"

Hephaestion looked appalled. "And you wonder why I do not drink heavily very often."

Just then they heard a voice outside the tent. " Lord 'Phaestion? Are you in there?" Bagoas shouted.

"Shit." Alexander breathed.

"Alexander, I have to tell him. If I do not, he will have the entire camp up in arms looking for you."

"Fine", Alexander grumbled, "but I am not coming out."

Hephaestion rose, holding up his hand for Alexander to stay put. He walked to the door of the tent and slipped out, being careful not to let Bagoas see inside.

Bagoas looked distraught. "Have you seen Al'skander, Lord 'Phaestion? I cannot find him anywhere. I am worried."

Hephaestion smiled and laid a hand on the young eunuch's shoulder. "He is here, Bagoas. There is no need to worry. And what did I tell you about calling me 'Lord'?"

Bagoas tried to peek into the tent. "I should go to him…"

Hephaestion put both his hands on the boy's shoulders, holding him in place. He smiled gently. "Bagoas, he is fine. He is merely resting and talking with me for a while. I will see to anything that he needs. You trust me, do you not?"

Bagoas nodded reluctantly. "Yes, 'Phaestion. I trust you."

"Good. Let me take care of him for a while. You look tired. Perhaps you should get some rest and let me handle him."

Bagoas still hesitated. Hephaestion noticed how thin he was, and the dark circles under his eyes had nothing to do with the kohl he normally wore. His long, glossy hair looked dull and lifeless. Pity, really. Hephaestion had to admit the boy was normally beautiful.

"Bagoas, you love Alexander, right?" The boy nodded quickly. "And do you not wish to be at your best when he needs you?" Again, the boy nodded. "Good. Then you must get some rest and eat something. You will not be much help to him if you are not well yourself."

Bagoas could not argue with that logic. "Yes, 'Phaestion. You are right. Promise me you will care for him?"

Hephaestion gave him a slight push. "I will guard him with my life, I promise. Now go…get some rest. I will send for you if he needs you."

Bagoas finally turned and headed back to his tent

Hephaestion felt bad for the boy. This trip had been so very hard on him. He turned and entered his tent again, closing the flap.

Alexander was sprawled out on his bed. He had taken off his robe and pulled a light covering over himself. His face was snuggled into a pile of pillows and he was softly snoring. Hephaestion watched him quietly. He looked so young and fragile. He had lost so much weight, and his golden curls had begun to show a few threads of silver in them. His skin was very dark from their time in the sun…all except for the nasty scar on his chest. It had healed, but was still bright against his tan. It left a big, ugly dent in his perfect chest. Hephaestion felt tears spring to his eyes as he remembered how close he had come to losing him. It was a miracle of the gods that he had survived. A lesser man would not have been able to. No matter what Alexander said, he had not been the same since that injury, and it was doubtful he ever would be…not that he would ever admit to it. He walked over and sat on the side of the bed, his fingers gently stroking Alexander's brow, which bore worry lines that had not been there a just a year ago. Hephaestion leaned down and brushed his lips very lightly over Alexander's. "I love you, Alexander" he whispered, deciding to just let him sleep. He rose and went back to his table to work on his paperwork. He knew there was something else bothering Alexander, but he would wait until he brought it up. And he would. He still told Hephaestion everything.

"Sleep, my love. I will be here when you wake."


	2. Chapter 2

Alexander woke after some time, gradually becoming aware of the muffled sounds of his generals as they continued their celebrations a short distance away. He stretched and yawned, opening his eyes, and for a few moments tried to remember where he was. Laughing quietly to himself, he remembered hiding himself in Hephaestion's tent. Some brave ruler he was! He snuggled his face into the soft pillow he had been lying on. It smelled of Hephaestion, which both made him smile and comforted him.

He turned his head slightly and saw that Hephaestion was still pouring over his paperwork, diligent as always when he should have been resting. That was Hephaestion. He always accused Alexander of not being able to sit still, but yet he rarely stopped working himself. The man really needed to rest. They would have to talk about that.

Alexander lay quietly, observing his best friend. Hephaestion was beautiful. There was no other word to describe him. It made Alexander's heart ache to see that his beloved had lost so much weight, and that the hair he loved to play with had lost its shine. His skin shone like bronze and Alexander's gaze slid admiringly down the other man's body until it came rest on the nasty scar on his thigh. He loved those thighs, though he was aware of all the jokes about them. If he always lost to those thighs, so be it. It pained him to see their beauty marred.

Alexander closed his eyes again and lay deep in thought. So much had happened to them over the last year, the last few months in particular. He rarely doubted himself, but lately had been plagued with the nagging feeling that he had used poor judgment in some of his decisions. So many good men had been lost in his battle with Porus at the Hydaspes, and now this most recent ordeal in Gedrosia,…it was hard to comprehend the number that had died.

He wondered why he always felt the need to take on things much larger than himself. Why did he have to have it all? Could he not be content with all that he had? He was, after all, King of Asia, yet he wanted more. There had been more lands to the east left to conquer. He could have gone on to the ocean and taken it all. His men, however, had other ideas. He could see their point. They had been marching continually for nearly 10 years. They had left behind families and friends and given everything up to follow him. He loved them for it. Oh sure, he had been mad when they had refused to continue, but if was honest with himself he could not be angry for long. They had followed him and his dreams for as far as they could, but that was just it. They were HIS dreams, not those of his men. That they had stuck with him so faithfully for so long was humbling.

His thoughts kept drifting back to the horrors and death he had seen in recent months. He felt the sting of tears that threatened to fall, but he forced them back. After his initial joy of being reunited with the remainder of his army, Nearchus, and the fleet, and of course the several days he had spent drinking and partying with his men, the reality of it all had set in. Now, he mostly felt numb. He had taken his leave of his generals as he couldn't seem to get drunk enough to block out the scenes that kept repeating in his mind. He did not feel much like celebrating.

He felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest, where the spear had pierced him. It was odd; the skin around the wound seemed to be numb, but at times when he took a breath a stabbing pain would grip him. He drew his breath in a quick gasp at the sharpness of the pain, even though it only lasted a few seconds.

Hephaestion looked up immediately. He knew Alexander was awake, and he knew the reason for the gasping breath. Though the wound was healed, he still worried about the damage it had done internally. He rose from his chair and moved quickly to the bed, kneeling down beside Alexander.

He spoke softly. "Are you alright, Alexander? Do you need something?"

Alexander opened his eyes, dark eyes meeting startlingly blue ones. He tried to smile, but it turned into more of grimace as another shooting pain went through him. It felt as if he was breathing in fire. Fortunately, the pains passed quickly.

"I am okay, Hephaestion. It is just my body complaining about everything I have put it through. Do not worry, I am strong."

Hephaestion nodded solemnly. "I know this, Alexander. You are the strongest person I know."

Alexander sighed heavily. "Then why do I not feel that way right now?"

Hephaestion reached for Alexander's hand and laced their fingers together. "What is wrong, Alexander? What it is going on in that head of yours?"

Alexander sat up, pulling his hand free and then gently touching Hephaestion's face, almost reverently.

Hephaestion was silent. He knew Alexander well enough to know he would start talking when he was ready.

Alexander stood and walked across to the other side of the tent, then turned and looked at Hephaestion with an expression of deep sadness on his face. "Hephaestion, am I a fool?"

Hephaestion tilted his head and studied his friend briefly. "Alexander, there are many words I could use to describe you, but 'fool' is not one of them." He paused. "Why do you ask that? What do you mean?"

Alexander paced back and forth, chewing his lower lip as he did when he was deep in thought. After some moments he stopped and dropped down into Hephaestion's chair. "What have I done to us, Hephaestion? Look what we have become? I nearly died, you nearly died. Gods, over half of us DID die. And for what? For me to satisfy some quest, some goal that is always just out of reach for me?" His eyes filled with regret. "It is never enough for me. Why? Why am I never satisfied?"

"You are a dreamer, Alexander. Your dreams are much bigger than all of us. You are not happy unless you have a challenge to meet, something to conquer, a goal to be reached. There is nothing wrong with that."

Alexander frowned. "But at what cost? I look at all we have done and it takes my breath. We have done more, gone farther, than anyone else has ever done! But look what it has cost us? Fewer than half of us are left. So many lives lost, and for what? I should have stopped when we reached the jungles, but I did not. Yes, we won the battle, but we lost so many in doing so. I almost lost our fleet. The rest of us nearly perished in the desert. Why? Did I take that route to prove something? Did I have this terrible need to be better than Queen Semiramis or King Cyrus, and show everyone that I, Alexander, could cross that desert where others had failed? Is my ego so large that I put us all at risk for nothing?"

"Alexander, you had planned our route through the desert well. If the fleet had not been delayed, it would have been fine. How were we to know that the winds would last longer than normal and delay the ships? How were you to know that our guides would get us lost? Think about it, Alexander. When we became lost, who was it that found the coast and led us there? YOU! You did that. You took charge and saved us, as you always do. If it were not for you, none of us would have survived."

Alexander shook his head sadly. "If it were not for me, we would not have been there in the first place."

Hephaestion rose and moved to stand in front of Alexander. He reached for his hands and made him stand, pulling him into an embrace. He heard a quiet sob from king, and it nearly broke his heart. He gently stroked Alexander's hair and kept a tight hold around his waist. He spoke softly. "Alexander, we can second guess this all night, and it will get us nowhere. There is always a 'what if' or an 'if only'. What is done is done, and we cannot dwell on the past. All we can do is move forward and do the best that we can. The men still love you, Alexander. I still love you. Let's let the past be the past. Think of our future. Let us concentrate on that."

Alexander leaned back and smiled weakly at Hephaestion. "Phai, you are the wisest man I know. I truly would be lost without you." He slid his hands around Hephaestion's neck and pulled him down for a gentle kiss. "Enough of this. Let us think of this no more this evening. Come, let us go and have our supper and share some wine with our men. Let us celebrate being alive. We will deal with the rest later."

Hephaestion nodded. "Good idea, Alexander. Let's go."

The men left Hephaestion's tent and made their way towards the dining tent. Hephaestion knew Alexander was still quite troubled, but they would deal with that another time. For now, he simply wanted to help him forget. He would do his best to accomplish that.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Alexander's generals were still perched upon the cart that had been making its way through the villages for the last several days, in varying stages of drunkenness. Most had ordered their suppers brought there, so there were large platters of food everywhere among the huge bowls of wine that seemed to never run out. Even though they were no longer moving, the majority of the men did not seem to want to leave the party.

Hephaestion exchanged a look with Alexander. "Do you want to get our supper and return to our quarters? Or do you want to dine with the others?"

Alexander sighed. "Honestly, I'd prefer to dine alone with you, but I think I should at least put in an appearance. I have not sat with them since yesterday. I should probably check on them at the least."

Hephaestion begrudgingly agreed. As they climbed into the cart with its large tented covering, there were shouts of greeting to Alexander from all those around. As Hephaestion stepped up, there arose a round of applause interspersed with cat calls and wolf whistles, followed by laughter.

Hephaestion's face grew red and he turned as if to leave, but Alexander's hand on his arm stopped him and drug him up beside him. Hephaestion truly wanted to leave.

"Joy to you Alexander! And to you, Hephaestion!" Ptolemy said cheerfully. He and his dinner companions were obviously not feeling any pain, drinking all afternoon as they had been. He had a goofy grin on his face and a wreath of white flowers on his head.

"Joy to you, gentlemen!" Alexander smiled in return. It was good to see his men so relaxed and having fun. They certainly deserved it.

Hephaestion mumbled a greeting and sat down, wishing by all the gods he was somewhere else. He had a really bad feeling about this. He couldn't remember a lot of what he had done the other night, but from the greeting he had just received, he wasn't sure he really wanted to know. _Gods_, he thought, _what did I do_?

Nearchus scooted over to sit next to Hephaestion, bumping his shoulder good-naturedly. "Hey Hephaestion! How about another kiss, hmm?"

Everyone laughed.

Hephaestion simply stared at him, willing himself not to blush.

"Yes!" Perdiccas chimed in. "Would you care to sit on my lap again? Who knew you could be so much fun!"

Hephaestion looked at Alexander helplessly, hoping his friend would save him, but no such luck. Alexander was giggling like the others. He looked at the rest of the companions sitting around him, finding that all of them were grinning at him. Nearchus shook his head at Hephaestion's horrified expression. Ptolemy winked at him.

Hephaestion seriously wanted them to focus on something else. "Alright, gentlemen. Surely you have better things to talk about than me. Find a more interesting topic, will you?" He was extremely grateful that Craterus had passed out. He didn't think he could deal with him and his rude comments.

Nearchus leaned over to Alexander. "He doesn't remember anything, does he?"

Alexander laughed. "No, only that he kissed you. After that I daresay he has no idea."

"Oh please!" Perdiccas said between giggles, "let me tell him!"

Hephaestion desperately wanted the earth to swallow him up.

"You do remember that you were dared to kiss me, right? And may I say you did a fantastic job! I would be more than happy to repeat that!" Nearchus glanced at Alexander as he said this and received a wink in return.

Perdiccas grinned at Hephaestion. "You seemed to like sitting in my lap, too. You certainly wiggled around enough. You know, that little bite on my ear kind of turned me on."

They all roared with laughter, even Alexander. Everyone but Hephaestion, who looked horrified.

Alexander held his stomach and tried to catch his breath. "Oh Hephaestion…that is nothing. Do you want to hear what else you did?"

Hephaestion shook his head no and looked down at his lap.

Alexander was still laughing. He threw his arm around Hephaestion's shoulder and squeezed lightly. "You, my love, were quite the life of the party. I do not believe I have ever seen you drink that much. Let's just say you are very uninhibited when you are drunk."

Nearchus looked at Hephaestion with a sly grin. "Go ahead, Alexander. Tell him the best part!"

"I hate myself for asking this, but just what in Hades did I do that amuses you all so?" Hephaestion grumbled.

Alexander shot him a playful look. "Well, first you tried to dance like Bagoas, not very well I might add, with a big garland of flowers around your neck."

Hephaestion groaned and buried his face in his hands.

"Oh but wait! That is not the best part!" Alexander grinned. "You and Nearchus decided it would be fun to moon the villagers as we passed their houses. The both of you exposed your backsides and wiggled them around as we moved. You gave the villagers a lovely view of your ass, my friend!"

Hephaestion looked up at Alexander, shocked speechless.

"I have to say I had a rather nice view of your backside myself" Alexander smirked at him.

"Encore!" Ptolemy shouted, which brought a fresh round of laughter all around.

Hephaestion stared at all of them. "Well, I am so glad you all enjoyed looking at my ass. Could we please eat our supper now?" He truly wanted to die.

Alexander leaned over and draped a fresh garland of flowers around his neck and kissed his cheek. "Of course, love." He turned and spoke to the others. "Okay, men, let's give poor Hephaestion a break! We have much eating to do to make up for the last few weeks, and I for one am ready to dig in."

They spent the rest of the evening happily chatting about nothing in particular, enjoying the wonderful food and wine and rejoicing in merely being alive.

As the evening grew late, the men began to either pass out or doze off, one by one. Alexander was too keyed up to sleep, and Hephaestion still seemed a bit agitated. Alexander leaned over and whispered softly in his ear. "Phai, I have a great need to be with you. I have missed you. I want you. Would you stay with me tonight, please?" His dark eyes looked seductively inviting.

Hephaestion's breath caught in his throat. They had not been intimate in many months, and the invitation quite frankly surprised him. His blue eyes flashed fire. "I would love nothing more, my Alexander." He stood and helped Alexander to his feet. "After you, my love."

They left the cart and headed for Alexander's tent. Both were glad that Craterus was still passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

They walked without speaking until they reached Alexander's tent. Alexander pulled the flap open and motioned Hephaestion inside, following him in. Bagoas was pacing around the room, obviously anxious for Alexander to return. Alexander chuckled softly and looked at Hephaestion, who smiled and shrugged in return.

"Al'skander! You are back! I have been worried about you."

"I am fine, Bagoas. I have been dining with my men, but I'm sure you already know that, don't you?"

Bagoas blushed. Of course he knew. He had followed Alexander to keep an eye on him all evening.

Alexander laughed and gave Bagoas a quick hug. "Thank you, Bagoas. You do take good care of me. Would you do something for me please? Would you prepare a bath? If you would do that, and bring us some wine, I would be most appreciative. After that, I want you to go to your tent and get some rest. You still looked tired."

Bagoas bowed slightly. "Yes, Al'skander. I will do as you ask." He was disappointed that he was not going to be staying with Alexander tonight, but he knew his king would not be alone. It was obvious from the body language and looks being exchanged that Hephaestion would be keeping him company. He grudgingly admitted that he trusted Hephaestion and would therefore not have to worry so much about Alexander. He set about preparing the bath, making sure to lay out robes and towels for both of them. "I will go and get your wine, Al'skander. Is there anything else you require?"

"No, Bagoas," Alexander said gently, "that will do. Just bring the wine and then you may go."

Bagoas left quietly. Alexander then turned to Hephaestion, who had been leaning against a tent pole, silently watching his king. The look that passed between them was smoldering. "Come Hephaestion, have a bath with me." He held out his hand, which Hephaestion gladly took. He led them towards the bath, stopping to pull Hephaestion into an embrace. Alexander tangled his fingers in Hephaestion's long hair and drew him in for a deep kiss. "Gods, Hephaestion," he said as their lips parted, "it has been so damned long."

"I have missed you, my Alexander" Hephaestion whispered. "By Zeus, I have missed you."

"Be still, Phai. Let me undress you."

Hephaestion stood still as Alexander slowly and carefully unfastened the pin that held up his chiton. He had worn it with one shoulder bare all evening, just the way Alexander preferred. The blue linen fabric slid off Hephaestion's body and pooled at his feet. Alexander felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight before him. Even though his beloved had lost a good deal of weight, he was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Alexander eased the robe from his own shoulders and let it fall away, standing naked before his lover.

Hephaestion bit back a moan at the sight of Alexander's body. Despite the scar on his chest, he was still perfect in Hephaestion's eyes.

Alexander stepped into the bath and held out his hand. "Join me, Phai."

Hephaestion climbed into the bath and sat opposite his king, leaning back against the side of the tub. He sighed and closed his eyes, the warm water easing some of the tension from his sore muscles. He groaned with pure pleasure as Alexander took a bath sponge and began washing him tenderly. His lips curved into a smile and he leaned into the touch. Alexander tilted Hephaestion's head back and washed and rinsed his long hair, kissing the tip of his slightly upturned nose as he sat back.

Hephaestion took the sponge and returned the favor, massaging Alexander's scalp as he washed his hair and drawing a soft sigh from him in return.

They sat back and simply looked at each other for a few moments.

Bagoas returned, placing a carafe on the bedside table and bringing them both a golden cup filled with sweet wine. He bowed slightly, smiling at them both, and left silently. He understood what Alexander needed, and this time it was not him.

They drank their cups of wine without speaking. Hephaestion took the cup from Alexander and set both of them on the floor beside the tub. He really did not need to drink any more tonight.

Alexander reached for Hephaestion's hand and kissed his knuckles. "How long has it been, Phai? I have missed you so much."

"It has been much too long, Alexander. I have missed you as well. I have spent many nights dreaming of this. I am grateful that you asked me to come here tonight."

Alexander shook his head. "Grateful? Hephaestion! You sound as if I am granting you some sort of favor! That is not how it is at all. I love you, Phai. I regret that we have not been together more, but you know how things have been. You have been away on your own missions, then we were dealing with that damned jungle, then the desert…we either have not had the time, or have been too tired or too ill to think about being together like this. Believe me, I have dreamed about it as well." He closed his eyes and sighed. "I should have taken time for you. Another thing I regret these days."

Hephaestion wrapped his arms around Alexander, who buried his face against the general's neck. He felt so tense still, despite the warm bath and the relaxing meal they had shared. Hephaestion leaned back and looked into dark, troubled eyes. "What is it, Alexander? What troubles you?"

"It is as I told you before. Regrets, doubts, 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. I have had to be strong for everyone for so long now. If I had given in to my own fears and doubts, we would all have been doomed. No, I dared not show any weakness, save weeping over our dead and when I thought the fleet was lost. I have pushed my feelings so deep down that now I am just numb. It isn't that I do not know what I feel, but that I feel nothing at all. " He smiled wistfully at Hephaestion. "You are the only one I dare to share this with. I trust you, and I love you."

Hephaestion could feel the tension thrumming through Alexander's body. He searched Alexander's face, trying to read the emotions he saw there. He saw a deep sadness, and longing. And love. Yes, that showed even through the other emotions.

"Alexander, what do you need of me? What can I do?"

Alexander slid his hands to Hephaestion's shoulders, and up to hold his face gently. "I need you, Hephaestion. That is all. I need to feel again. Please, take me. Make me feel."

Hephaestion was quite surprised. Yes, it had been many, many months since they had been intimate, but many more since Alexander had wanted him to take him like that. "Are you sure, Alexander? It has been so long…I do not want to hurt you."

Alexander shook his head. "It is what I want, Phai. I need to feel you. I need to feel connected, grounded. Even a little pain would be better than the nothingness I feel right now. Please…I need this."

Hephaestion nodded. He understood, and he would do everything in his power to help Alexander heal, for his scars ran much deeper than the ones on his flesh. "Come then, the water is cooling." He stood and offered his hand to Alexander and they both stepped out of the bath. They dried each other, their eyes locked the whole time. Hephaestion felt tension thrumming through himself as well, but for entirely different reasons. He wanted Alexander very much, but more than that, he wanted to ease the worry lines from that beautiful brow. He wanted the haunted look to leave Alexander's eyes. Alexander was putting his total trust in him to do those things. It was an awesome and almost overwhelming responsibility.

He took Alexander's hand. "Come here, Alexander."


	5. Chapter 5

_**Definitely an M rating on this chapter.**_

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><p>Hephaestion understood what Alexander wanted, yet part of him felt a little unsure. He led Alexander to the bed, then stopped and turned around, pulling him into a tight embrace. Holding him close like this was so perfect; he could not even find words to describe it. The heat rolled off their bodies in waves, and he could feel Alexander's arousal as it pressed against his own. He shifted his hips, rubbing them together and eliciting a groan from Alexander. Pulling back slightly, he looked into dark eyes clouded with passion and smiled.<p>

Alexander reached a hand up and gently cupped Hephaestion's cheek. "I love you more than I am ever able to say, Phai. I am truly sorry that I do not always show it. I neglect you, and I only hope you can forgive me. You are everything to me. I hope you know that."

Hephaestion looked into those eyes, absorbing what he had just said. It made his heart swell with joy. "I love you as much, Alexander. More than life. I miss you every day, but I also understand. Perhaps I am a fool, but I will take what I can get…whatever you are able to give me whenever you are able to give it. There is no other that I love, and no other that I want."

Alexander smiled at him. "What about Nearchus? Are you sure you wouldn't rather be kissing him?"

Hephaestion laughed and swatted Alexander's arm. "No, you fool. But I could perhaps sit on Perdiccas' lap again" he winked at him. It was good to see the playfulness in Alexander's eyes again, and the dark, haunting look seemed to be gone, at least for now. He intended on keeping it that way. He slid a hand up, tangling his fingers in soft, golden curls. "Tell me, Alexander…what would you like me to do?"

Alexander leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, a soft smile on his lips. "As I said before, I want you to take me. I want you to make me forget everything except this…except us." He leaned forward and snuggled his face into the crook of Hephaestion's neck, his soft breath causing goose bumps to erupt on the general's skin. He wrapped one arm around Hephaestion's waist, holding them close together. The other hand slid up his chest, coming to rest over Hephaestion's pounding heart.

Hephaestion grasped the hand on his chest and brought it to his lips, kissing the palm and then sucking a finger into his mouth and swirling his tongue around it. He felt Alexander shudder slightly and suck in a breath. He released the finger from his mouth, pulling Alexander's head forward and claiming his lips, pouring all the passion he felt into that kiss. He nipped and sucked on his lower lip, then explored his mouth quite thoroughly with his tongue, feeling Alexander's tongue meet his in response. The intensity of the kiss made his head spin. Alexander wanted him to make him forget everything else, and he would make sure he did just that.

"Do you know what I am going to do, Alexander?" he whispered in his ear. Alexander shook his head mutely. "I am going to start by kissing you here…" His lips wandered to a tender spot below Alexander's ear, where he nipped the skin and soothed it with his tongue "…and I am not going to stop until I have made you scream my name."

Alexander nearly passed out right then and there.

Hephaestion fastened his lips to Alexander's shoulder, sucking to mark the tanned skin. He didn't let up until Alexander's knees threatened to buckle. He felt Alexander's fingers digging into his waist, holding on for support, his breathing harsh. Easing back, he gently kissed the area that he had marked, noting the bruise that appeared there. He ran his hands down Alexander's chest, rubbing his palms over the dusky nipples and feeling them harden under his touch. He leaned down and licked and nipped at first one, then the other. Alexander moaned and fisted his hands in Hephaestion's hair. He licked a line back up his chest, up his neck , and reclaimed the swollen lips while running his hands up and down Alexander's back, kneading and stroking. "Gods, Alexander…I cannot get enough of touching you."

Alexander lowered his hands to grip Hephaestion's hips, pulling them together and rubbing their erections together. He felt Hephaestion shiver as his hands slid around to knead his firm, muscular ass. He panted for breath as they drew apart, speaking softly in Hephaestion's ear. "You have no idea how much you turn me on."

Hephaestion backed up, putting a little distance between them. He looked down at Alexander's obvious arousal and chuckled. "I think I might."

Alexander gasped as he felt Hephaestion's fingers curl around his hard length and stroke him firmly from root to tip. "Oh gods, yes. I want your hands on me."

Hephaestion smiled at him. "Just my hands?"

Alexander growled and shivered like he'd caught a chill. "More. Anything. Gods…" He was beyond desperate. "I don't care what you do, Hephaestion, but please…do something!"

Hephaestion chuckled softly. "As you wish, my king." He slowly sank to his knees, licking a path down Alexander's body as he went. He kept his grip on Alexander's throbbing cock, leaning in and sweeping his tongue over the tip and lapping up the drops that had appeared there.

Alexander gasped. "Oh, gods…"

Hephaestion pulled Alexander's hips forward and slid his whole length into his mouth, swirling his tongue around him as he sucked him in. He glanced up at Alexander. His head was bowed forward, his eyes shut tightly. His fingers were fisted tightly in Hephaestion's hair, urging him on. Hephaestion ran his tongue up the underside of Alexander's cock, lapping at the tip before drawing him down all the way into his throat.

Alexander grabbed at Hephaestion's shoulders for support. "Oh, gods…fuck…" he panted. Hephaestion growled low in his throat, the vibrations shot like lightning through Alexander. "Oh, shit….stop Hephaestion!"

Hephaestion sat back on his heels and smiled up at his beloved before rising to his feet. "Are you okay, Alexander?" he smirked.

Alexander looked at him with glazed eyes. "I did not want to come yet."

Hephaestion reached for his hands and pulled him forward. "Bed. Now."

Alexander turned them around and fell back onto the bed, pulling Hephaestion down on top of him. They kissed passionately for a moment, and then Hephaestion began kissing and licking his way down Alexander's body. He dipped his tongue into his navel, then drug his tongue down Alexander's hip, skipping over his cock, which stood proudly at attention. He worked his way down, drawing first one, then the other of Alexander's balls into his mouth, rolling them around gently with his tongue.

Alexander cried out softly when he felt Hephaestion's tongue swirl around his tight opening, teasing him. He didn't remember Hephaestion ever doing that before. He found it so erotic that he nearly came just from that. He wasn't sure how much more of this torture he could take. "Fuck, Hephaestion! You are killing me. Do something, please!"

Hephaestion looked up at Alexander's flushed face and smiled. "I love it when you beg, Alexander." As he said this, he slid a saliva coated finger into the tight passage.

Alexander arched off the bed and growled. He was beyond caring about anything except the delicious things Hephaestion was doing to him.

Hephaestion reached for the bottle of oil on the bedside table, dipping his fingers in. He slid a finger back inside Alexander, then carefully added a second one, sliding them in and out, scissoring them to open him up. He heard Alexander moaning softly, pressing back against his fingers and asking for more. When he felt the tight ring of muscle relax further, he slipped a third finger in. Alexander was coming apart beneath him, squirming and panting.

Removing his fingers, he eased back up Alexander's body and kissed him gently. "Are you ready for me, Alexander?"

"Gods, yes, Hephaestion. Fuck me already, will you?"

"Yes, my king" Hephaestion smirked, drawing a glare from Alexander.

"Hephaestion…" he growled a warning.

Hephaestion grabbed Alexander's legs and pulled them up over his shoulders, positioning himself at the tight opening. He slicked himself up with a little more oil, then slowly eased his way in. As the head of his cock penetrated Alexander, they both groaned softly. Slowly, he eased his way in, little by little, giving Alexander time to adjust to him as he went. When he was buried to the hilt, they were still for a moment. "Oh, Alexander…" he panted, "I had forgotten how amazing this feels." He pulled out slowly and pushed back in a little quicker.

Alexander shuddered. "Holy fucking….ah..."

"Am I hurting you, Alexander?"

Alexander growled at him. "No! For the love of the gods, Hephaestion….move! Fuck me! Something! Gods…"

Hephaestion eased his hips back then thrust into him again, each thrust hitting a little deeper until he was driving himself balls deep into a squirming, panting Alexander. He changed his angle a little and hit the hard bundle of nerves and caused Alexander to nearly scream. Hephaestion seriously hoped there was no one outside the tent, or anywhere even close. Alexander was certainly being vocal…and loud. Hephaestion knew he wouldn't last very long. It had been far too long since the last time they had made love, and the sheer bliss of being sheathed inside his beloved was almost more than he could take. "Alexander…touch yourself. I want to see you come."

Alexander obediently took his own cock in his hand and began stroking firmly and quickly. His head was thrown back and his breathing was ragged. "Hephaestion!" he panted, "I am almost there!"

"Come for me, my love, I want to watch you." Hephaestion growled.

The deep, sensual tone of Hephaestion's voice combined with the deep thrusts that kept hitting against the sweet spot put him over the edge. He threw his head back and practically roared as he shot his load over his belly and chest. "Gods, Hephaestion!"

Hephaestion could feel Alexander's muscles contracting around him, and he could not hold off any longer. "Ahh…fuck…Alexander…" He thrust in hard, one last time; his whole body shook as he came harder than he could ever remember. He continued to jerk his hips in quick, short thrusts as he emptied himself inside his lover. Finally he collapsed on top of Alexander as both of them struggled to catch their breath.

As their breathing returned to normal, he eased up onto his elbows and looked down at a very content and sated Alexander, smiling at him.

Alexander curled his hand around Hephaestion's neck and pulled him down for a slow, gentle kiss. He gazed into the bluest eyes he had ever seen and saw a depth of love there that nearly took his breath again. He stroked Hephaestion's brow tenderly and smiled back at him. "I love you so much, Phai. You are so perfect. I needed that so much."

Hephaestion sat up, pulling Alexander up with him. He wrapped his arms around him and they simply held onto each other. At that moment, nothing existed but the two of them. Nothing else mattered. It was as Alexander had asked…all else was forgotten. "Stay here, Alexander, I will be right back." He crawled out of the bed and went to retrieve a wet cloth and a towel from the bath. He returned and cleaned Alexander gently with the warm, damp cloth and dried him tenderly. He cleaned himself quickly and climbed back into the bed.

Alexander curled himself around Hephaestion, clinging to him tightly. He felt totally relaxed and secure. Nothing mattered to him right now except the beautiful man beside him. "Thank you, Hephaestion. I would be lost without you."

Hephaestion snuggled against him in return, pulling a cover over the both of them. "Sleep, Alexander. Rest your mind. I will be right here beside you. Always."

The exhausted men fell into a deep sleep almost right away.

For now, at least, the troubles of the past were forgotten.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Okay, I wasn't in the mood for angst or smut, so I present to you...mindless fluff. Don't worry, the next one will not be the least bit fluffy._**

* * *

><p>Alexander woke very early, at first light. He smiled instantly, feeling the warmth beside him and the arm draped across his chest. Hephaestion. Gods, how he loved this man. His smile grew as he thought about their lovemaking of last night. Hephaestion had given him everything he had asked for, and more. He wondered what he would do without his best friend beside him, and doubted he would do very well at all. If Hephaestion knew how much he was truly needed, he was not sure. If he knew how much he was loved, he wasn't sure either. Things were so hectic most of the time that he rarely got to spend any alone time with his beloved, regrettably.<p>

He reached over and brushed a strand of hair away from Hephaestion's face. His face looked so serene in sleep. Long eyelashes hid the cerulean eyes he loved so much. His lips were slightly parted, and a bit swollen from their previous night's activities. A small bruise adorned the tender spot where his neck and shoulder met. Alexander had marked him. He knew Hephaestion would probably get teased about it, but he doubted he really minded it. To Hephaestion, and to himself, love bites and marks were tangible proof of their love for each other. If others had issue with that, it was their problem. He knew that Hephaestion had marked him as well. He was proud of it. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Hephaestion's brow.

Hephaestion mumbled something in his sleep, and turned and buried his face in the pillow.

Alexander eased carefully out from under Hephaestion's arm and got out of bed. He took care of his personal needs and slipped on a robe, intending on going to get them some breakfast. As he opened the tent to leave, he nearly ran head first into Bagoas. That certainly didn't surprise him. The eunuch followed him like a shadow most of the time. No doubt the boy had been waiting nearby for him to wake up.

"Joy to you, Bagoas. It is a beautiful day. Are you feeling well? You look better."

Bagoas blushed slightly and smiled at his king. "Yes, Al'skander. I rested and ate as 'Phaestion asked. I do feel better today, thank you for asking. Would you like me to bring some breakfast for you? 'Phaestion, too?"

Alexander chuckled. "Get out of my head, Bagoas; I was getting ready to ask you that very thing."

Bagoas beamed, thrilled to please his king. "I will return shortly." He bowed slightly and trotted off towards the kitchen.

Alexander went back into the tent to find Hephaestion lying on his side, his head propped on his hand. "Joy to you, my love. I trust you slept well?"

Hephaestion yawned, and then flashed a brilliant smile at Alexander. "I did. I think you wore me out."

Alexander arched an eyebrow and smirked at him. "Complaining, Phai?"

Hephaestion laughed. "Gods, no! Last night was amazing!" His voice dropped slightly, his tone more serious. "Truly, Alexander, it was amazing. Thank you for sharing yourself with me in that way. I have missed this so very much. We have so little time together anymore."

Alexander's eyes twinkled with mischief as he made his way to the bed and sat down on it. He grinned at Hephaestion and ran a finger down the general's nose to his lips. "Then perhaps we should take advantage of the time we have now, hmmm?"

Hephaestion captured the finger at his lips in his mouth, sucked it in and nipped at it, drawing a startled gasp from Alexander.

"Ooww! You bit me! You will pay for that, my love." Alexander leaned over and pinned Hephaestion's shoulders to the bed. "What is the proper punishment for biting the king I wonder?"

Hephaestion thought for a moment. "Hot sex?"

Alexander laughed. "That is not exactly a punishment, but I do like how your mind works…I am sure that can be arranged." He winked at him. "Would you like me to call for Nearchus or Perdiccas?"

Hephaestion growled at him, grabbed him and flipped them over so that he was sitting on Alexander, his thighs straddling the king's hips and his hands pinning his arms to the bed. It happened so quickly that Alexander wasn't sure how he even did it.

Alexander wiggled, trying to free himself. "Damn it, Hephaestion! Let me up!" He tried to look angry, but didn't really succeed.

Hephaestion squeezed his thighs tighter, holding him in place. "I think not, Alexander. You forget that I will always come out on top here, no pun intended. Besides…I rather like you here." He could feel Alexander becoming aroused and chuckled. "I think you like it as well."

Just as Alexander opened his mouth to respond, Bagoas entered the tent with a tray of food. He froze when he saw the men tangled around each other on the bed.

Alexander laughed at his expression. "Relax, Bagoas. We are just playing around. Come in, bring us our breakfast please!"

Bagoas set the tray out on the table and poured fresh pomegranate juice into golden goblets for them. He had brought warm bread with honey, figs, dates, boiled eggs, and roast fowl. A breakfast fit for a king to be sure. After he finished laying everything out for them, he turned to Alexander. "Is there anything else you require, my king?"

"No, Bagoas. This is perfect. You may go. If I need you again, I will send for you. Otherwise, take the day to rest and enjoy yourself. You have earned it." He glanced up at Hephaestion and smiled seductively. "Oh, and Bagoas…if anyone comes looking for me this morning, tell them I am busy. Just tell them that…something came up."

Hephaestion laughed out loud at that. Bagoas blushed and quickly left. Hephaestion was still laughing. "I think you embarrassed the poor boy!"

Alexander grinned and wiggled his hips against Hephaestion's bottom. "Well, am I lying?"

Hephaestion leaned down and captured Alexander's lips in a kiss that left them both breathless. "No, my love, you were not lying. Perhaps we should do something about that. Breakfast can wait a bit I think."

Alexander wrapped his arms around Hephaestion's neck, pulling him closer. "Like I said, Phai, I like the way your mind works."

They did eventually get around to eating breakfast…much later.


	7. Chapter 7

Hephaestion spent a good part of the day going through reports with Alexander, bringing him up to speed on exactly where they stood. The numbers were sobering. Fewer than half the men they started out with remained. The losses to the baggage train had been huge. Thankfully, the fleet was intact, at least as far as their ships were concerned. They had lost some men there as well, though the numbers were not that great. Most of the horses and pack animals that went through the desert were gone. Thankfully, Craterus fared far better and had a good supply of each, not to mention the war elephants that now accompanied them.

Alexander sighed heavily and leaned back away from the table, hands behind his head. "It is difficult to plan when I have so little to work with. It is a good thing we are not facing any major battles at the moment. We have certainly taken a beating in recent months."

Hephaestion rubbed his tired eyes and propped his chin on his hands. "Aye, that is for sure. At least we are on our way home now. Anything we face from here on should be minor at best. Thankfully, we can restock our supplies here for ourselves and the fleet. Our return trip should be a much easier one. No more deserts. No more jungles. For that I am most grateful." He sighed. "I am tired, Alexander. I admit it and I hope you will forgive my weakness, but I think I need a break as much as any of the men."

Alexander didn't answer. He sat staring into the distance for a few moments, no expression on his face. "Hephaestion, I think I need to talk about all of this. I need to clear my head, and you are the only one I trust to do that with. Would you take a ride with me? There is a small river nearby and I think I need to be away from here for a while. Will you come?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "I don't know why you would even think I would refuse you. Of course I will come with you, you dope!"

Alexander gave him a lopsided smile. "My apologies, Phai. I think my nerves are a bit raw at the moment. Come on. Let us go and talk. I wish to discuss my plans with you as well and get your opinion on a few things. I trust your judgment. I will advise the other generals, and Bagoas of course, that we will be away the rest of the day. Have our horses readied if you would. I will be back in a few minutes." He rose and left the tent, needing to speak with Craterus, Nearchus and Ptolemy.

Hephaestion made his way to where the horses were stabled. His big chestnut stallion had managed to survive the battle with Porus and the desert as well. He was thin, but improving. At least his spirit seemed good. He nodded his head in greeting at his master. Hephaestion stroked the silky neck and spoke softly to him as he fixed a bridle and blanket on him. He went to Alexander's horse and readied him as well. He was a beautiful, dark, dappled grey color. It seemed strange that Bucephalus was not here. He knew Alexander missed his beloved stallion very much.

Alexander caught up with him at the stable as Hephaestion led their horses out. He stroked the velvety nose of his horse and frowned slightly.

"You miss that cantankerous beast, don't you?"

Alexander smiled wistfully. "Yes, I do. He was a handful, but I loved him."

"Have you named this one yet?"

"I have", Alexander nodded. "His name is Balius."

Hephaestion nodded his approval. "Ah, yes…one of Achilles' immortal horses. A most appropriate name I think." He touched Alexander's shoulder gently. "Are you ready to go?"

Another deep sigh from Alexander. "Yes, let's go."

They rode through the village and out past rows of grape vines and pistachio trees. It was so good to be someplace green and lush again. They came to a small river and rode beside it in silence until they came to a spot on a small hill, looking down at the river. There were fig trees and date palms all around. The place seemed like paradise to them, especially after the ordeals they had been through lately.

Alexander held up a hand to stop them. "Let's stop here, Phai. This looks like a good place to rest and talk."

The men dismounted and left their horses to graze in a wide grassy area behind them. Hephaestion took a blanket he had carried with him and spread it out under some tall palm trees. He had also brought a wineskin and two cups in a cloth bag. He sat down on the blanket, pouring them each a cup of sweet wine. "Sit down, Alexander. Try to relax."

Alexander sat down next to him, taking the cup from his hand and draining it down. "Could I have some more, please?"

Hephaestion studied Alexander's face. The joy of the previous night and this morning seemed to have worn off. In their place were the haunted eyes and worry lines from before. He worried about Alexander, more than he allowed himself to show. He knew he needed to be strong for his beloved. He filled the cup and sat back against the tree, his shoulder touching Alexander's.

"Talk to me, Alexander. What is on your mind?"

Alexander finished his second cup of wine, staring out at the river below them. It was warm and beautiful here, yet he found he could not relax and enjoy it. When he turned to Hephaestion, there were tears in his eyes that threatened to fall. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come. His throat simply closed up on him. He just shook his head, fighting back the tears and looking away. It embarrassed him to be like this, even with Hephaestion. He was supposed to be the strong one. Everyone depended on him for so many things. He could not afford to be weak. He felt a gentle hand cup his chin and turn his head. One look into Hephaestion's eyes, with their depth of unconditional love and understanding, and the dam burst. He flung his arms around Hephaestion's neck, pressed his face to his chest and sobbed. All the frustrations, fears, worries, and pain that he had been feeling poured out. There seemed to be no end to it. He cried for the lives that had been lost, the futures those men would never have. He cried for the hardships that the remaining men had endured, knowing that he and he alone was responsible for all of it. He cried for the ones he loved, knowing he had taken them for granted so many times. And he cried because his dream…the dream to rule the whole of the world…had been brought to a halt. Even though he understood it, it still stung. He cried for the loss of Bucephalus, and Peritas. He cried for the limitations his chest wound had put on him, even though he tried to play them off. He cried for hurting the man he loved above all others every time he took another to his bed. Right now, he regretted pretty much everything in his life.

"I am so sorry Hephaestion…" he managed to choke out. "I am so sorry…"

Hephaestion held his head firmly to his chest, stroking his back with the other hand. "It is fine, Alexander. Let it out. I am not going anywhere. I love you, Alexander. Remember that." Seeing Alexander like this broke his heart. He would gladly have taken all the pain upon himself if he were able to, but the best he could do was be there and offer himself in any way he was needed…even if it meant nothing more than allowing Alexander to cry on his shoulder.

Alexander's sobs gradually died down. He leaned back and looked into Hephaestion's face. "I do not deserve you, Hephaestion. Why you tolerate me is beyond my understanding."

"Ssshhh…none of that." Hephaestion leaned forward and kissed him gently. Alexander looked utterly exhausted. "Why don't you lie down for a bit? We can talk whenever you feel like it."

Alexander stretched out on the blanket with his head in Hephaestion's lap. He was so tired. Between the wine, the warm sun, and his release of emotions, he could barely keep himself awake. He sighed softly as Hephaestion's gentle fingers stroked his face and carded through his hair. The touch was so soothing that he soon fell asleep.

Hephaestion watched him as he slept. He was worried. Alexander was not as strong as he liked to think himself to be, and his breakdown today was proof of that. He knew he needed to talk to get it all out, but for now he would just let him rest. He leaned back against the tree, still cradling Alexander's head, and closed his eyes. He prayed to whichever gods would listen that everything would be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

Alexander opened his eyes to find Hephaestion watching him. He gave a half-hearted smile and rubbed his eyes, which still burned a bit. "I am sorry, Hephaestion. I did not mean to do that, and I did not mean to fall asleep."

Hephaestion shook his head. "No, Alexander. Do not apologize. You are human, whether you want to be or not, and it is okay. You do not have to be strong in front of me all the time." He smiled down at him. "I have seen you at your best, but I have also seen you at your worst. You are my best friend, my beloved. You do not have to keep your guard up with me."

Alexander sat up and reached for the wine, pouring them both a cup. He sat back against the tree beside Hephaestion. "Thank you for that. Can you imagine the rest of the men if they had seen me like that?"

Hephaestion considered this a moment. "I suspect they would think as I do, that you are just a man and have feelings just as they do. I do not think any of them would think less of you. That being said, I am honored that you allow me to see that part of you." He paused. "So, Alexander…talk to me. Tell me what is on your mind."

Alexander drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He thought for a few moments, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. "It is as I said yesterday, Hephaestion. I wonder if I am a fool. I wonder why I cannot ever be content with what I have. Look what my ambitions have done? Yes, we have accomplished much, but the cost has been great. Has it been worth it? I am not so sure. Why? What drives me so?"

Hephaestion considered his words carefully. "Do you wish me to be blunt with you, Alexander? I will tell you what I really think."

Alexander nodded. "Of course, Phai. Speak your mind. I am sure I need to hear whatever it is you have to say, whether I want to hear it or not."

"Okay, then. I have several theories as to why you do the things you do. I think part of you is still running from your mother. It seems the more distance between the two of you the better, but I wonder if you will ever feel you have gone far enough. I know you love her, but…" He paused and took a breath. "I also think the shade of your father is continually at your heels. It is as if you always have something to prove; like you are still trying to win his approval. I think that in the back of your mind you feel nothing you do is ever quite good enough." He studied Alexander's face for a moment. "Am I off the mark here?"

Alexander shook his head. "No, Hephaestion, you are closer to the truth than I care to admit. Please, continue."

"I think your father was right about one thing, Alexander. He once told you that Macedon was not big enough for you, that you needed to find a kingdom big enough or worthy enough of you. I agree. The problem is, I am not sure the world is big enough for you. You have always said you wanted to equal the deeds of Achilles or Heracles. I think you have not only equaled them, but surpassed them as well, yet it still does not seem to be enough."

Alexander nodded in agreement. "That just proves my point, Hephaestion. Nothing is ever enough for me. Why is that? Why can I not be satisfied? Why do I let my parents shadow my every move? You are right, I do feel like I have something to prove. I tell myself that I am trying to prove something to myself, but you are correct. I am constantly trying to prove something to them. And for what? To gain approval I shall never have?" He sighed and shook his head. "Tell me, Hephaestion, what would happen to me if I just stopped? What if I went home to Babylon and stayed there? We could live out our lives there, grow old together, and watch our children grow up together. What would be so bad about that?"

"There are several problems with that, Alexander. First of all, I do not have a wife, and therefore no children. You may have that soon, but not me."

"Do you wish to take a wife, Hephaestion?"

He shook his head. "Truthfully, no. I recognize that I need to have an heir as well, but I wish I did not have to take a wife to do it." He laughed softly. "You are enough of a handful without having to deal with a woman as well."

That actually made Alexander smile slightly. "Well, Phai, if you want children you sort of need a woman. I love you, my dear, but I cannot give you a child."

"Alexander, being with you is just like having a child sometimes." Hephaestion smirked.

Alexander snorted "Hardly! Now, back to what we were talking about…"

Hephaestion grew serious again. "Yes, back to that. There is a bigger problem with you staying put in Babylon, or anywhere for that matter. The fact of the matter is that you would die if you did so. No, not physically, but on the inside."

Alexander looked at him questioningly.

"Let me explain. You, Alexander, are a lion. It is your instinct, your purpose, to hunt and to conquer. It is who you are and what you are." He took a breath before continuing. "Have you seen the caged beasts, Alexander? The lion, the leopard, the tiger? Have you ever really watched them and what happens to them after they have been caged for some time?"

Alexander shook his head. "No, I suppose not."

Hephaestion explained. "When the beast is first captured and caged, it is angry. It lashes out at everyone and everything around it. Its very nature is to be free and to hunt, and now it cannot do those things. It has lost its freedom to roam and to rule over its domain. After a while, the anger turns to sadness. The beast comes to realize that it cannot escape and that it will never again have the freedom to roam. It will never again taste the thrill of the fight and the sweetness of victory. Then, after a while, the beast simply dies. Oh, its body continues to live, but the spirit inside it has died. It is a shell, barely living and empty inside. It is broken and has no will to live any longer, so it goes on merely existing but with no joy, and after so long a time it no longer even cares."

Alexander listened intently, waiting to hear the rest.

"That is you, Alexander. You live for the hunt. You live for the victory. Those are the things that make you feel alive. Your very spirit exists for those things. It is not in your nature to be still. If you tried to do that, you would be just like the caged beast. You would go through the stages of anger and frustration, and eventually the spirit that makes you Alexander would be no more. It is who you are, and you cannot escape that. Like I said, those qualities are not a choice for you. It is simply who you are. You are Alexander. You can be nothing less." He stopped speaking, allowing Alexander time to process all that he had said.

Alexander pondered his words, and finally spoke. "When did you become a philosopher, Hephaestion? You truly are as wise and insightful as any I know. I agree with everything you have said. You know me too well. Better, I think, than I know myself. I had never really looked at it that way but I think you are exactly right." He reached for Hephaestion's hand and linked their fingers together. "So, where do I go from here, Hephaestion? When we get to Babylon, then what?"

Hephaestion shook his head. "That I do not know, Alexander. I am sure you will think of something. There will always be something or someplace that needs your attention."

"That is true, which reminds me…there appear to be issues I need to deal with soon. I want to fill you in on a few things before we return." He reached his free hand up to cradle the back of Hephaestion's head. "But before that, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for sharing all that you did. You hit the mark exactly and made me see things more clearly. I would be lost without you, Phai. You keep me sane." He pulled him in for a deep kiss, pulling away when the need for air became great. "I love you beyond words, Hephaestion. Thank you for loving me in return."

Hephaestion smiled, wanting to lighten the mood a bit. "Someone has to."

Alexander laughed. "Ouch, Hephaestion. You cut me. Now, back to business…"

They spent the next hour or so going over Alexander's plans for the future and what he hoped was a bright one for all of them. Whether or not he would succeed remained to be seen.


	9. Chapter 9

Alexander had assembled everyone in their large meeting tent. They sat around the large wooden table in the center, discussing their upcoming march. Most of the finer points had been worked out, so Alexander merely wanted to touch on the highlights again.

"Nearchus, you are taking the fleet and sailing up the coast to Susa. Hephaestion, you are taking the bulk of the army and the baggage train with you on the southern route along the coast. It should be a relatively easy route and you should have no problem with provisions for everyone. Craterus, you are with me. We will be going to Pasargadae and Persepolis with a smaller group of men to attend to business there. It seems we have satraps that either assume I am dead or that I will never return. I have to fix that." He looked around the room and smiled at his trusted generals. "We will all meet up in Susa after that. I have plans for us. We will rest there, and I hope our time there will be rewarding to all." He paused, taking on a more serious note. "Gentlemen, it has been a long and difficult road we have traveled. My wish is to make it up to you somehow. You have my gratitude for sticking with me for so long. Your sacrifice is duly noted. If there are no other questions, you are dismissed. Craterus, remain behind please. I need to discuss a few things with you."

The rest of the men filed out of the tent. Each had a list of things they needed to get done before they struck out for Susa. Nearchus sidled up to Hephaestion and grinned at him.

"Hey, Hephaestion…" he made kissing noises at him and puckered his lips.

Everyone laughed.

Hephaestion smirked at him. "Go sit on a sarissa, Nearchus!"

That drew more laughter from all, and a pouting look from Nearchus. "I'll take that as a 'no' then."

Hephaestion rolled his eyes. He would never live this down. "Okay, gentlemen, we have much to do. I suppose we had better get to it."

They split up and went their separate ways. There were many preparations to be made.

* * *

><p>Hephaestion had spent the better part of the afternoon finalizing his plans and double checking his figures. The majority of them would be his responsibility. It did not I intimidate him at all, but he wanted to be quite sure he was ready and that there were no surprises in store. It had been a long and stressful day. He poured himself a cup of wine, nibbled on some of his favorite honey cakes, and thought about his talk with Alexander. His comments seemed to have been well received, and Alexander had agreed with his assessment of him. Hephaestion did not say it, but he worried about Alexander a lot. Alexander depended on him, whether he realized it or not. If something were to happen to him…it made him shudder to think about it.<p>

As he sat lost in thought, Alexander breezed into the tent and flopped down on the bed, something he had gotten into a habit of doing. He appeared to be tired, but in good spirits.

"I take it you are pleased with how things went, Alexander?"

Alexander rolled on his side and propped his head up on his hand. "Yes, Hephaestion. Everyone seemed happy to be going to Susa and spending some time there. I did not reveal all of my plans yet. I am saving some of it for when we are all settled in there. I want to reward them all for their hard work and sacrifice. You especially, my love. I owe you a great debt."

Hephaestion waved his hand in dismissal. "You owe me nothing, Alexander. All that I do for you, I do willingly and by my own choice. I would gladly follow you into the depths of Hades if you asked me to."

Alexander sighed. "Hephaestion, promise me something."

"What would that be?"

"Promise me that you will never leave me. Not ever."

Hephaestion didn't really know what to say. "Alexander…" he began.

Alexander interrupted him. "Hephaestion, it is quite clear to me that you are the one that holds me together. You are the one that grounds me and keeps me from making a fool of myself. You keep me from doing stupid, impulsive things…" he blushed slightly, "at least most of the time." He sat up on side of the bed, toying with Hephaestion's pillow. "I honestly do not think I could do any of this without you. I am not sure I would want to."

"Alexander, I do not know what to say…"

Alexander got up and walked to where Hephaestion sat at his desk and knelt down beside him, taking his hands in his own. "Promise me. Tell me you will never leave me."

Hephaestion closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He weighed his answer carefully. He looked down into dark, pleading eyes and knew that what Alexander spoke was truth. Whether he wanted it or not, the responsibility of being Alexander's alter ego was his. It was humbling, flattering, and frightening all at once.

"Alexander, I cannot promise you that."

Alexander looked stunned. "But, Phai…"

"Wait, let me explain that." Hephaestion paused briefly. "I cannot promise you that I will never leave you because I do not know what the future holds. I could fall in battle, I could fall ill and die, one never knows. I have no control of those things. It is for the gods to decide."

Alexander silently waited for him to continue.

"I will make you this promise, though. I promise you that I will never leave you voluntarily. Never. I will never turn my back on you and walk away, no matter what happens. I would sooner cut off my own right arm than leave you. You should know that by now. I will do everything in my power to stay by your side, always, and I promise to always love you and give you whatever you need of me. These things I promise you with all of my heart."

Alexander nodded solemnly. "And I promise you this, Hephaestion. I have said it before, and I will say it again. If you should ever die, for any reason, I will follow you. I have no wish to continue if you are not with me."

Hephaestion shook his head. "Do not say that, Alexander! There are so many who depend on you, who need you to guide them. I am but one man."

"Yes, but you are the one man who is the world to me. I have never loved anyone but you. Remember what Aristotle said? 'One soul in two bodies'? That is us. I cannot live without the other half of my soul. So, you can never leave me. That is an order." He smiled weakly at that.

"Alexander, I promise that if I ever leave you, it will be against my own will, and I will wait for you in the house of death however long it takes until you join me."

Alexander smiled, satisfied with that answer. He stood, pulling Hephaestion to his feet. "Come, then, enough talk of death! We have much food to eat and much wine to drink. Let us go and celebrate life."

They went to go and dine with the rest of the men, all of them rejoicing in being alive.

Neither of them knew just how prophetic their conversation had been.

That is a story for another day.


End file.
